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There comes a point in healing where you realize the deepest pain was never only about the relationship itself.
It was about how much of yourself you lost inside of it.
In this week’s podcast episode, Beth sat down with Kendra Allen from Heal Your Heartbreak for a powerful conversation about addiction recovery, heartbreak, nervous system healing, emotionally unavailable relationships, and self-abandonment.
One of the most impactful moments in the conversation came when Kendra shared this:
“If you ignore your inner compass long enough, you lose your true north.”
That is exactly what self-abandonment feels like.
It’s slowly disconnecting from yourself in order to maintain connection with someone else.
And so many people do it without even realizing it.
Self-abandonment happens when you consistently ignore your own needs, feelings, boundaries, truth, or intuition in order to feel accepted, loved, safe, or chosen.
It can look like:
Over time, this disconnects you from your authentic self.
And eventually, many people wake up feeling emotionally exhausted, resentful, anxious, disconnected, or unsure of who they really are.
Most self-abandonment patterns begin long before adult relationships.
They usually develop as survival strategies.
For many people, being agreeable, emotionally easy, hyper-independent, helpful, or low maintenance became the safest way to maintain connection growing up.
The nervous system learns: “If I become who other people need me to be, I’ll stay safe.”
These patterns often continue into adult relationships without conscious awareness.
That’s why emotionally unavailable relationships can feel so addictive. They activate old survival patterns that feel familiar to the nervous system.
As Beth and Kendra discussed in the episode, healing is not only about finding healthier relationships. It’s about becoming aware of the ways you disconnect from yourself inside relationships.
One of the most powerful parts of the conversation was hearing Kendra share how heartbreak became the catalyst for her healing journey.
After years of unhealthy relationship dynamics, she realized that even sobriety had not automatically healed her relationship patterns.
She spoke openly about people pleasing, chasing emotionally unavailable partners, and learning how to stop abandoning herself for connection.
This is something so many people experience after heartbreak.
A breakup often forces us to confront:
And while heartbreak is painful, it can also become an invitation back to yourself.
For people who struggle with self-abandonment, boundaries can initially feel terrifying.
Because boundaries often trigger fears of:
But boundaries are not punishment.
They are protection.
They are how we stay connected to ourselves while remaining connected to others.
One of the most healing shifts happens when people stop asking: “Will they still like me if I’m honest?”
And start asking: “Can I stay connected to myself while being honest?”
That changes everything.
One of the biggest takeaways from this episode is that healing requires authenticity.
And authenticity can initially feel uncomfortable if you’ve spent your life adapting yourself for others.
As Kendra shared, healing often changes relationships.
Some friendships fade. Some dynamics shift. Some people no longer resonate with the version of you that is no longer self-abandoning.
That can feel lonely at first.
But eventually, something beautiful happens.
You begin attracting relationships built on truth instead of performance.
Relationships where you no longer have to earn love by abandoning yourself.
Relationships where you feel emotionally safe enough to be fully seen.
Healing self-abandonment is ultimately about rebuilding self-trust.
It’s learning:
And while this process takes time, it creates a kind of freedom that changes every area of life.
As Beth shared during the episode, one of the most empowering parts of healing is knowing: “I will be okay even if this relationship ends.”
That is real self-trust.
Not because you no longer value relationships, but because you no longer abandon yourself inside them.
Healing self-abandonment is not about becoming perfect.
It’s about becoming more honest.
More connected to yourself.
More aware of your patterns.
And more willing to choose authenticity over survival.
Because the more connected you become to yourself, the less you settle for relationships that require you to disconnect from who you truly are.
And that changes everything.
Kendra Allen is the founder of Break Up Bestie, a platform created to help people heal, grow, and reconnect with themselves after heartbreak. After experiencing everything from toxic and codependent relationships to a devastating breakup that completely changed her life, Kendra turned her own healing journey into a space of support for others. Through honest conversations, practical tools, and compassionate guidance, she helps people move forward with self-trust, clarity, and hope after a breakup.
Instagram: @yourbreakupbestie Website: BreakupBestie.com Podcast: Heal Your Heartbreak
Beth is a somatic coach, breathwork facilitator, and speaker who helps women and leaders move from survival mode into safety, self-trust, and authentic expression. She bridges nervous system science and spirituality in a grounded, practical way so healing happens beyond mindset.
If this episode resonated, follow and subscribe so you don’t miss what’s next. Share it with someone who struggles with boundaries or people-pleasing. Learn more at shiftwithbeth.com
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